Guys. I’m gonna be vulnerable and real here. I live in a trailer with four kids.. in the dead of winter and in the middle of a ridiculously ongoing pandemic, because my cherished house burnt down. Do I have a lotta anxiety and maybe a little depression? Yes. Is that normal? Yes I think so. Should it be shamed? Absolutely not. Should we talk about this more? Absofreakinglutely. Is it something we should be embarrassed of? NO. Is it something that should make us feel unworthy or not good enough for society or life in general? NO.

Can I side step for a moment? This has been a weird problem of mine lately. And again I’m opening myself up and being as real as it gets. Social media from an influencer perspective… Don’t let your social media be a toxic thing. It can also be a get away from the real world. But you are in control of that. There’s so many accounts I truly enjoy following. Just one example is my sweet friend Sarah at @wild_wood_farm. I don’t think I’ve gone one day without laughing at something in her stories. I love them so dang much. They make my day better. I wish I could be that account sometimes! I just mean so fun and happy all the dang time! I adore it. And then there’s so many I love to follow who are accomplishing amazing goals. Getting all these collaborations and thousands and thousands of new followers. Some are dear friends of mine. But there is still a comparison game and any influencer who denies this is lying. Even if it’s just mentally. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know why I am writing this blog or Instagram post or story because people will disagree. People won’t read. People won’t even care. I’m just to the point where I don’t care anymore. I can’t worry about “being good enough on social media” Yikes that seems really dark and I promise it’s not my point! My point is I want to encourage you to get anything toxic out of your life. I want you to get on your social media and I want you to scroll and I want you to watch stories, and if at any point any account is making you feel inferior or not good enough, not giving you positive things, not making you laugh, not making you feel happy, not encouraging you, get rid of it! Get it out of your life. I started this Instagram with the goal to grow of course. I compare my account with others all the time. I don’t have good content. I’m not on TikTok. I suck at making Reels, which apparently is what’s getting the most engagement right now, and I’m not really growing. I have the most amazing loyal tribe of followers who I call friends and I’m so thankful for that. But not growing is totally discouraging. Like why am I doing this? Why am I stressing about this worldly Instagram account when it IS NOT that important. When I get that way I have to step away. And remember why I’m really here. I’m here to share my story. To encourage. To inspire. And I pray everyday for help in knowing how. Wow that went way off on a tangent. But I’ve realized this does fuel my anxiety a lot, so I wanted to share.

Let’s get back on track..

I’m going to come out with some forceful advice. Let people know what’s going on. Even if it’s just those closest to you. Let people help you. Do not ever try and keep it in. IT WILL SPOIL YOU. It will be toxic. You can try and fake through it, but you’ll fool yourself. You will not do yourself any good. You will not be the mother your kids need you to be. Whether you have high anxiety or a little stress or or irritability or just a bad day. Make sure you take care of yourself.

The one thing about anxiety that I’ve learned is it’s a complete roller coaster. It shows up when it wants and goes away what it wants. On its’ terms. Most of the time you just need to learn to deal with it, try and control it, and do the best that you can.
Getting REAL real here, especially considering my personal past couple of months. Sometimes my anxiety makes me feel like I have mood swings. I mean I could go one day being completely excited about the new house build. All the fun things that we’re going to have in the new house. All the design elements. All the exciting moments. And then, literally that afternoon I can be so depressed and just asking myself all these ridiculously selfish and depressing questions. Why do I have so many decisions to make.. this is isn’t fun it’s stressful.. what if it doesn’t even work out.. Why is it taking so long.. What are we waiting for… Or the other day, why am I even excited about the house, it’s such a worldly thing. It pushes all the negative thoughts up front! It’s ANXIETY. The biggest jerk ever. You guys I know it sounds crazy. And I’m being so vulnerable here. But I want those who can relate to know they aren’t alone! It’s honestly even depressing in itself to know that I even think those lame thoughts.

Don’t push yourself aside and try and protect yourself in a way that you keep telling yourself it’ll be OK, and you’ll get through it on your own. Take time to learn what helps you conquer it. It is a vulnerable thing to have anxiety and deal with it day by day, especially when you’re living a trial like I am. So many other people are going through something. Some large, some small. Still trials all the same. Don’t shame it and don’t ignore it. Guys, when I went to my last doctor appointment to refill my anxiety prescription a month or so ago, even my doctor was really pushing me to be real with him, that if I needed to up my dosage it was absolutely acceptable, with what I’ve been going through. Of course I said, no I’m fine. That is what I say daily every day, to everyone. “No I’m fine.” The question really is… am I really fine fine?

We need to invest in our mind and our body and ourselves. It’s like putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first when the plane is going down. I can tell when I’ve been fighting it and not doing what I need to do to help. Just lately, I have been so so nauseous and sick. No energy. Legit just feel like crap and I finally realized why. I haven’t been taking care of myself. I mean I do have a lot going on.. but my mental health and my body health have not been priority. I’ve been eating terrible, drinking way too much caffeine, not exercising, and not taking care of myself. I think when we go through tragedies or trials in our life, we push so much to focus on the end result, the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of making sure we are taken care of on the actual path getting there. And that’s what I’ve been terrible with.

Guys.
Look for the good. Look for the positive. I promise it will help you through. Kill the anxiety with gratitude. Where your focus goes, energy flows.
I’m so so sick of my anxiety taking over everything in my life. I’m done. And it’s not going to anymore. Always remember.. God is in control. Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. I will do a post soon about methods I’ve used to help my anxiety. But for now. If you are still reading, you’re amazing.

Hang in there. Things do get better. Even in the midst of the darkness.

– Kenz